Research Proves Dogs Rule, Cats Drool, Says Team of Dog Scientists

The long-standing hypothesis that “dogs rule and cats drool” has been validated for the first time in recent laboratory studies, according to research performed by a team of dog scientists at the University of Pupsylvania.

The study, which was funded in part by Purina’s Beggin’ Strips, sheds new light on the long-debated topic of which household pet is superior – dogs or cats. Through the collection of owner surveys, as well as in-laboratory experiments, the U of Pup team concluded that cats are more than two times likely to be sucky pets than dogs.

By combining the data of all these studies, the dog scientists were able to conclude that cats do, indeed, think that they are 3.3 times better than their human owners. This “holier than thou” complex significantly contributed to the validation of the “cats drool” hypothesis.

In contrast, dogs were found to outperform cats in virtually all segments tested. Relevant statistics cited by the team include:

99 percent higher aptitude for learning tricks
Tongues that are 77 percent less rough than the average cat’s tongue
67 percent higher likelihood of tolerating being forced to dance on their hind legs
72 percent higher likelihood of tolerating “wheelbarrow” walking
Greeting guests as friends rather than nap ruiners

All findings were calculated with a two percent margin for error. Still, cat scientists are quick to point out potential biases that may have compromised the study. For example, noted cat-istician, Dr. Socks of the University of Meowsachusetts, displayed to owners how cute cats are when they play by chasing after a piece of string at a recent press conference.

In response to Dr. Socks’ criticism, lead scientist for the U of Pup study, Dr. Wags, rebutted the claim by going nuts upon seeing his owner reach into a drawer and pull out his leash.

While further research is needed to validate the landmark study, the results could lead to a breakthrough in future pet ownership. Ultimately, the hopes of the research team is that the findings will result in cats being completely removed from domestic homes and chased into trees where they belong.

A request for comment on the study from Mr. Feathers, a spokes-bird for Bird Talk Magazine, was not immediately available.

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