Jeff Wysaski
Well, hello Robin – thanks you so much for coming over! Sorry, I must look like a mess. I’ve been incubating my eggs all day and really haven’t had time to do any preening. Anyway, can I interest you in some puddle water?
No? Well okay, first off let me just say that I am so happy you decided to move into the birdhouse next door. It’s been a little quiet around here since the Sparrows moved out last fall. I just know once we get to know each other we’re going to be a couple of fine-feathered friends.
Now, I know you’re new to the area – and you may not be accustomed to how we do things out here – but as the head of the Danielson Backyard Neighborhood Association, I feel it necessary to peck out a few things I’ve noticed since you’ve moved in.
For example, I noticed yesterday that you and your mate didn’t stir from your home until well after eight o’clock. Do I really need to remind you that Mondays are your turn to perch outside Mr. Danielson‘s window and sing loudly so he wakes up early and annoyed?
I hope not, because I distinctly remember giving you the schedule last week when you moved in. And as we all know, it’s our job to constantly remind humans that they may be at the top of the food chain, but that doesn’t mean they can have a big head about it. And if we don’t keep their ego from over-inflating, then who will? The squirrels? Please.
On another note, I can’t help but notice that you’ve been pooping on the roof of your birdhouse. Come on, Robin, really? We evolved from dinosaurs – we’re better than that. Us here in the Danielson community take pride in the appearance of our homes, and I don’t think I need to point out that poop does little to improve the attractiveness of our quaint backyard community.
Which is why we all excuse ourselves from the backyard to go poop on Mr. Danielson’s Jeep Wrangler in the front driveway. Clearly, this kills two birds with one stone – pardon my French – by keeping our community clean, as well as proving to Mr. Danielson that he can never truly stamp out Mother Nature, even if he tried.
Also, one of my chicks informs me that you’ve been using twigs and leaves from the tree to build your nest. This is fine, of course, as any good nest is going to have a good amount of twigs and leaves. However, I would also like to point you in the direction of the Danielson garden, which has lots of great sprouting flowers and tomato vines that can easily be destroyed and turned into effective nesting materials.
Of course, I also encourage you to wait for Mr. Danielson to come home from work so you can dive bomb that big head of his and grab some nice clumps of hair before he has a chance to retreat back into his brick fortress.
Anyway, I know you’re new to the area, so obviously I’m willing to cut you some slack. But please do abide by the rules of the neighborhood association. We don’t really have room out here for any slackers – the humans have already paved over enough of our natural environment.
Plus, who knows, maybe if you get lazy in your duties, you might also get lazy in your other parts of life. Then, maybe one day you’re flying along, not minding your business and BAM – you get pushed into a sliding glass door and die. What a tragedy that would be…
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