Jeff Wysaski
Scarf, I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I know we’ve been together for a few months now – and it’s been a great winter – but I really think it’s best if we part ways.
Please understand that it’s not you – it’s the weather. For awhile there, you were exactly what I needed in my life. You’re soft, warm and have an interesting pattern, but my needs have changed since that moment I first laid eyes on you at that vintage resale shop on Melrose.
I know, I told you then that it was love at first sight. I didn’t even care that you had a small mustard stain on you. I knew you were damaged goods and I didn’t care. I just wanted to take you home and fix you. And you know what, I did. That mustard stain came out and now you’re better off for it.
But lately, I’ve been wearing you out, and it’s just felt like you’ve been smothering me with all that thick fabric. It’s almost spring now, scarf. I need room to breathe. I need more freedom. I need a thinner, more breathable fabric.
No scarf, you can’t change. You’re made of wool. Even if I got creative and used you as a belt or something, you’d still be a scarf at heart. I can’t go on pretending like it’s 20 degrees outside forever. I need to move on.
No, no, no – I’m not breaking up with you. I just don’t think we should see each other anymore – at least for a while. If, come next fall, I happen to bump into you in the back of my closet and you’re still in fashion, then sure, maybe we can try and pick up where we left off. But for now I think it’s best if I just wear other accessories.
Look, I’m not going to lie, there’s someone else. You remember when we were walking through the mall the other day and I stopped to look at that Morrissey sweater at Urban Outfitters? Well, in actuality I was checking out the pair of cut-off jean shorts on the other half of the mannequin.
Well, I tried them on and one thing led to another…long story short, I wore them out last week. And I’ll be honest, it just felt right. I could feel the cool breeze on my legs. There was no buildup of excessive heat. In essence, those shorts are the complete opposite of what you embody, and I liked it.
No scarf, please don’t try and warm my neck right now. You’re making this harder than it should be. Look, don’t look at this like a bad thing. Changes aren’t always bad. You’ll go into that closet with all my knit hats and gloves and you’ll have a great summer with all your friends. Trust me, the next few months will fly by.
So anyway, if I could just have back that robot button I left over at the base of your fringe last week that would be great.
What!? Are you serious? You want the fuzz back that you left on my sweater? But you gave that to me! You said it was a gift!
You know what, fine. Take it back. What do I need with fuzz anyway? Thank you for the button, now into the closet you go. I hope you have a very nice life.
Goodbye, scarf. And take care.
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