Jeff Wysaski
If you’ve been to a moving picture recently, you may have noticed that the hard-boiled hero always gets the dame. Well, if you’re sitting there in your glad rags at the nickelodeon feeling lonely because you haven’t got a dame hanging off your arm, then it’s time to take a few tips from the greatest Casanova of the modern world – Humphrey Bogart. Keep these following tips in mind, and dames will be thinking you’re the cat’s pajamas in no time:
Dress for Success
Dames don’t want a fella that doesn’t know how to look dapper. If you want to be like Humphrey Bogart, then you’ll never leave home without taking three things with you – a hat, a freshly pressed shirt and a jewel-encrusted statuette of a falcon. The hat and shirt, naturally, are signals to all the Janes out there that you know how to take care of yourself (and therefore can take care of her too). The falcon, on the other hand, is a conversation starter.
Take all three of these things with you, and you’ll be well on your way to making a good first impression. Note: if you don’t have a jewel-encrusted falcon, that’s okay – any old jewel-encrusted animal will work just as well.
Lean Against a Lamp Post and Flip a Big Coin
A street corner in the swanky district of your town is the perfect place to scout for dames. As you watch all the birds and dolls passing you by, do what every fella did during Bogart’s time and lean against a lamp post while repeatedly flipping a big coin into the air (note: for best results, put one foot up against the lamp post). This flashy behavior tells the ladies that you’ve got money, and you’re not afraid to throw it around. One look at that spinning coin, and any dame you decide to talk to will instantly want to know more about the well-dressed daddy with all the dough.
Tell Her to, “Listen Here, See”
Once you spy the dame of your dreams walking past your lamp post, it’s time to spring into action. Women like a guy that knows how to take charge. So after she sees you flipping that coin, come up from behind her, grab her hard by the shoulders and swing her around. Now, her first instinct may be fear, so it’s important to keep holding onto those shoulders for the rest of the conversation so she doesn’t try to flee.
Once you’ve got her attention, get up in her face and tell her to, “Listen here, see” (dames need to hear this because they have a hard time listening). With things squared away, you’re free to start talking really, really fast about things like how “you got me into this mess” and “when you’re slapped you’ll take it and like it.” Women love hearing this kind of stuff.
Seal the Deal
After you’ve won her over with your forceful tirade, it’s time to seal the deal by saying, “I’d like to take you out. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” Hopefully, she hasn’t seen Casablanca and will think you just came up with that on the spot. Either way, she’ll find your upfront approach to be a welcome change from the bush beating she’s been getting from the eccentric guy at work.
Then, top it all off by flashing her your falcon, and you’ll be picking her up in your breezer to take her to a swanky joint in no time.
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: