Teenage Moon Seeks to Distance Self From Mother Earth

Look mom, I know I’ve been orbiting around you now for the past 4.25 billion years, but I’m not a loose spinning mass of hot molten rock anymore. I solidified into a full-fledged celestial body eons ago.

Which is why I would really appreciate it if you stopped treating me like a little comet and let up on your gravitational pull a bit. I’m the fifth-largest satellite in my universe for Kepler‘s sake. I can’t be seen orbiting around you at all hours anymore – especially Saturday nights! No offense mom, but I need to be hanging out with moons my own age. You know, like my friends, the Uranus twins.

No, Titania and Oberon are NOT bad influences! I already told you, they ARE NOT seasonally active. And even if they were, so what? Plenty of moon my size are seasonally active. Also, might I add that their mom lets them stay out past 250,000 miles – even on weeknights? And have they been found dead in some back alley corner of the universe yet? No!

You know, I hate to say it, but I figured out a long time ago that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. And I appreciate you holding me in your orbit for all these years, but I’m ready to go out and explore the universe on my own now.

I’m going to be my own planet soon – you just wait and see. And how am I going to go off and find my own orbital path around the sun if you don’t give me a little independence?

You’re right mom, there are a lot of dangerous things out their in the universe. I could get pummeled by an asteroid belt, scarred by a rogue comet, or worse, I could fall and slip into a black hole. But isn’t that what being a moon is all about? Learning from my mistakes?

Look, I’m not saying I don’t want to be your moon anymore. Even if I do go off and become my own planet, I’ll always keep coming back to visit. I mean, my frequency of visits will depend on the total radius of my orbit, but you can bet I’ll be by on a regular basis.

Oh, no mom, your axial tilt won’t be all thrown out of whack if I leave! You’ll be fine! You’re one of the strongest, most self-sustainable planets I know – and the only one to figure out how to harbor intelligent life, I might add. Sure, things will change a little when I’m gone – I’m sure plenty of people will miss the ocean tides – but change isn’t always a bad thing. I mean, with me gone, humans won’t have to worry about werewolf attacks anymore. That’s a good thing, right?

Yes mom, I know. Werewolves aren’t real. That was a joke. But hey, I’m growing up. And it’s only natural for planetary satellites to want to go out on their own and be their own planet. It’s a sign that you raised me right. So just do me a favor and think about it, okay?

Thank you, now let’s shake off this depressing mood we’ve created in here. Hey, I know what’ll cheer you up – how about one of our famous mother/son lunar eclipses? You know, for old times sake? Great! That’s the spirit, I’ll call the sun and tell him to come right over…


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