Jeff Wysaski
The God/Jesus ticket for the upcoming 2010 deity elections continues to prove popular among the majority of registered believers, according to recent surveys conducted by Gallup.
Though the news seems favorable for God’s followers, Zeus continues to climb in the polls, casting doubt on the previous belief that God would enjoy yet another landslide victory. Recent surveys suggest 43 percent of individuals plan to believe in Zeus come election day, up six percent since last month.
While God’s backers are quick to point out that Zeus has not been a major player in the world of religion since ancient times – and is therefore out of touch with the needs of the human race – Zeus gained a foothold in the race thanks to an aggressive whistle-stop campaign tour that began in his hometown region of the Mediterranean.
The Greek King of the Gods also seems to have benefited from the popularity of the recent Winter Olympics. Making a stop in Vancouver during the height of the games, Zeus was quick to point out that the original Olympic Games took place during the heyday of his tenure as great creator back in 786 BC. This association struck a chord with those enamored by the unity and friendly competition that inevitably results from these worldwide games.
To counter the recent shrewd maneuvers of the Zeus Party, God has embarked on a campaign to increase visibility and face-time with potential believers by appearing in various breakfast foods across the world.
However, some say God’s “miracles” are coming too little, too late. Given the many catastrophes that have occurred under God’s most recent term as omnipotent leader – earthquakes in Haiti and Chile, Hurricane Katrina, the death of Michael Jackson, etc. – many previously devout followers are beginning to question His commitment to such platform cornerstones as unconditional love and salvation for all.
Given that God has not truly been challenged for re-election in over 2,000 years, many suggest that He has become complacent (if God were to win next month, it would be his 530th successive 4-year term in the heavens). For these people, change seems a welcome alternative.
Some analysts also fear that God may have compartmentalized His campaign too much, relying too heavily on the support of long-standing followers such as the Christians and Jews.
Indeed, Zeus has proven incredibly savvy at reaching out to numerous religions for support. Though considered risky at first, most analysts consider his decision to announce the Flying Spaghetti Monster as his running partner to be a master stroke. In one fell swoop, Zeus immediately won over the approximate 11 percent of world individuals who are atheist – a population segment long written off by other religious deities.
Though still trailing in the polls, Zeus is hopeful that he has enough momentum to bring the afterlife back to Mt. Olympus in 2010.
Though not expected to post even double-digit numbers come April, the race’s dark horse independent candidate – Quetzalcoatl – could significantly alter the results of the April election. Clearly, those believers who jibe with Quetzalcoatl’s campaign of bountiful harvests and forgiveness through human sacrifice align more closely to Zeus’ platform.
In order to eliminate the risk for cannibalized support, many Zeus followers are calling for Quetzalcoatl to remove his name from the ticket. However, the Mayan god seems convicted in his belief that the election should run on a three-deity system.
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