Jeff Wysaski
For decades, sasquatches, yetis and bigfeet the world over have yearned to make contact with humans. Unfortunately, our few attempts to make friends with these tiny, pasty creatures have proven disastrous. Clearly, our previous plan of “playing hard to get” hasn’t been working. Otherwise, we’d have been integrated into society years ago.
Seriously guys, here it is 2010 and the human race still doesn’t know whether we exist or not. Now, if we were invisible like the unicorns or something, that might be understandable. But seeing as we average eight feet in height, I’d say it’s about high time we all take a more proactive approach and start taking some initiative. As such, here is my plan for making friends with the humans without them getting all “torch and pitchfork” on us:
No More Jumping Out of the Woods Unannounced
Let’s face it guys, us sasquatches are pretty scary looking. Given our towering height and deep, gravelly voices it only makes sense for humans to be scared of us. As such, I think we should really put a stop to surprising hikers and campers by jumping out of bushes and howling “RAWR” while we beat our chests with our massive fists.
Yes, I know this is the formal greeting procedure when meeting another Bigfoot. However, clearly the humans have different cultural norms. As such, unless you want to get shot or screamed at, why not try giving a little warning before stepping out into view?
Stop Running Away From Opportunities for Conversation
There have been plenty of times when the sight of us has not immediately scared off a human. They’ve seen us from afar, taken pictures and even yelled out “hello” from time to time. Guys, I know the idea of talking to a human is weird, and you’re afraid of saying something stupid, but we’ll never make friends unless we take advantage of these few opportunities for conversation. If you are unsure how to start a conversation with a human, just ask one of these simple questions:
- “So, what do you do?”
- “How about this weather we’ve been having?”
- “You like sports?”
Put Some Clothes On
Wearing clothes seems like a good idea for a number of reasons. For one, it makes us appear more civilized, which will likely make humans less likely to treat us like “animals” when we finally do make contact. For two, bright colors and patterns afforded by clothing will help us stand out more in the woods, which will make it easier for the humans to spot us. For three, it hides our enormous genitalia.
Learn to Play Basketball
I know a lot of you have been fearful that exposing ourselves to the humans will result in enslavement and placement in zoos or research facilities. In order to avoid this, I think we should all learn to play basketball. Given our significant height advantage, I think it’s fair to say that bigfeet could be dominating the NBA within a few years time. Not only would this give the humans incentive to keep us out of zoos, but it would also net us some serious earning power. Are you guys tired of sleeping in a bed leaves and pooping in a hole in the ground? Well, then start playing some basketball.
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