Jeff Wysaski
Dear Kyle,
My daughter has informed me of your intentions to take her out to a dinner and movie this weekend. While I certainly can’t discourage Pauline from dating, I do expect her and her suitors to abide by a certain code of ethics and morals. In order to ensure the safety and reputation of my little girl, I have compiled a list of common FAQs that have been asked by Pauline’s suitors in the past.
What time should I arrive to pick up your daughter?
My pre-date interview with you will begin precisely one hour before the scheduled pick-up time of my daughter. Please do not be late, as doing so may result in forfeiture of privileges to date Pauline. For the interview, be prepared to discuss such topics as your intentions with my daughter, your family history and your intended 30-year career path.
Should I bring anything with me?
Yes, please bring a one-page candidacy resume with you so that I may review any previous dating experience you may have. Within this document, please inform me of:
- Three to five things that attracted you to my daughter
- The name and contact information of the last three young ladies you dated
- Whether or not you have previously gone “all the way”
- Your personal opinions on marriage, family and abstaining from sex
Along with this resume, please bring an itinerary for your planned evening with my daughter. Also, bring some roses or a stuffed teddy bear to help make Pauline feel special (and a nice fountain pen for me).
What kind of gun is that?
It is a 32-caliber Winchester shotgun.
How should I dress for the date?
Dress as you would for Sunday church. Boys with untucked or uncollared shirts, piercings, messy hair, spiky hair, cargo shorts, tennis shoes or unclean fingernails will not be admitted into the household.
Any other special considerations I should be aware of?
Yes, please be sure to remove all detritus and filth from the backseat of your car. Neither I nor my gun appreciate sitting in discarded fast food wrappers while chaperoning my daughter’s dates.
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