Jeff Wysaski
Have you ever looked into the mirror and thought to yourself, “Man, I really wish I had a couple extra rows of razor-sharp teeth.” If so, then chances are you’re looking to abandon that pasty, uber wussy body of yours and exchange it for the streamlined outer shell of a super awesome killer shark.
As the eloquent William Shakespeare* once put it, “in all this earthly realm, thine great shark of the sea is by far our Lord’s most gnarliest and badass animal.” If you’re looking to transcend your totally lame human body and be reborn as a vicious, murderous king of the sea, then keep these tips in mind to increase your chances of being reborn as a shark:
Don’t be a Christian
Being a Christian means going to heaven and being stuck in that miserable non-cartilaged body of yours for all eternity. Unless you want to spend your afterlife sitting on clouds and plucking harps with the angels (lame), then it’s time to trade up to a religion that makes reincarnation a viable option. The most common shark-friendly religions are Buddhism, Hinduism and Sikhism. Pick the one that sounds the coolest to you and go with it.
Understand the Importance of Karma
Just because you convert to a religion that believes in reincarnation, that doesn’t mean you’ll be reborn as a shark. As it turns out, your soul can be transplanted into any number of worldly creatures.
So how do you avoid being turned into a stupid, non-deadly creature like a butterfly, bunny rabbit or tit mouse? The answer, my friend, is karma. No matter which new religion you choose, your rebirth is based on how you lived your life. Do good deeds and treat others with care and it is said you will achieve a higher form of being. And I think we all can agree that the highest form of being is a giant great white killer shark.
Die With a Peaceful Mind
According to Buddhism, those who die with a peaceful mind will experience a fortunate rebirth. In contrast, those who die with malice, anger or unrest in their hearts will receive an unfortunate rebirth (dung beetle). As such, it seems you’re going to have to play Boy Scout in this current lifetime of yours and save all those murderous rampages and blood-drenched ocean tides for your next life as a shark.
Eat a Few Shark Burgers
As the old saying goes, “you are what you eat.” While eating shark meat isn’t mentioned in any of the religious texts associated with reincarnation, some Native Americans did believe that eating the flesh of an animal allows you to take on their associated characteristics. As such, eating a couple shark burgers every now and again might give your soul the necessary jumpstart to spur shark growth in the afterlife.
*It is widely believed that Shakespeare is now roaming the deep seas of the world as an awesome shark. Besides Shark-speare, other notable historical figures who are now sharks include Charles Darwin, Mahatma Ghandi and Patsy Cline.
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