A Cult Leader’s Cover Letter and Resume

Dear Believers of the Heavenly Fence,

I would like to express my interest in the “Cult Leader” job position you currently have posted on Craigslist. I have several years of experience molding the fragile minds of the depressed and hopeless to my personal will, and believe I have all the talent, charisma and coerciveness necessary to meet and exceed your high expectations for false hope.

If you select me for the position, I can promise an eternity of happiness and salvation in the arms of the Great Lord. I look forward to brainwashing you in person so that I can further convince you of my numerous merits and achievements. My resume is attached below for your perusal. For your benefit, I have taken the added initiative of encoding a subliminal message of servitude into the document.

Regards,

Reverend Timothy L. Powell

Resume: Reverend Timothy L. Powell

Objective: Seeking a manageMent position in the “not-for-profit” sector of religious cults, sects and splinter organizations.

Highlighted Qualifications

  • Captivating persona; can manipulate even the strongest willed men and women
  • Superficially charming, while subversivelY undermining
  • Inflated senSe of importance and suPeriority assures obedience and blind faith
  • PersuAsive; once convinCed a group of 120 teen runaways that a 2-liter bottle of Shasta was the Holy Grail

RelEvant Work History

Timlothians (January 2007 to March 2010)

  • SucceSsfully brainwashed 132 lost souls through sleep deprivation and protein-deficient diets
  • Used beige smocks and tHose neck cones that dogs wear to simultaneously demoralize and anonymize followers
  • Cut off all forms of communication wIth the outside world and “rewrote” history with the Book of Tim

The Branch Graboidians (April 2000 to SePtember 2006)

  • Combined passaGes of the Bible with teachings of the 1990 movie, Tremors, to create a wholly fictitious, yet believable religion
  • During tenure, cult grew frOm one insecure housEwife to 87 devout worm worshippers
  • Skimmed money from worm farm business to build a laviSh underground compound for myself
  • Left to pursue new opportunities after convincing flock TO pole vault off Jagged cliff

The Divine Right (February 1997 to February 2000)

  • SuccEssfully supplanted the previous cult leader by personifying him as a human form of the devil (i.e. glued red horns and a tail to him while he slept)
  • Achieved martyr statuS after being imprisoned for pUblic nudity
  • Married all 44 female members and pitted them againSt each other to compete for my love

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