Jeff Wysaski
2:36 AM: A Top Hat was found unconscious with multiple knife wounds in the back alley of the 3100 block of Baltic Avenue. Though medics rushed the Top Hat to St. James Place Medical Hospital, the victim was deemed “unwearable” and discarded shortly thereafter.
8:24 AM: A Thimble has been arrested and charged with last turn’s accusations of theft. Upon searching Indiana Avenue – one of the suspect’s many properties – the missing community chest cards were found stuffed underneath the edge of the board. The Thimble has been sent to jail. He did not pass Go and did not receive $200.
10:52 AM: Police reported to an apparent suicide on the premises of the B&O Railroad. Upon arrival, a Boot was found mangled and crushed on the eastbound train tracks. A note near the victim suggests the motive was bankruptcy.
1:31 PM: A property owner who failed to report a bank error in his favor was arrested between North Carolina Avenue and Pennsylvania Avenue.
3:12: PM: Police were dispatched to the Water Works to investigate reports of trespassing. Upon arriving, a Wheel Barrow was discovered and escorted from the property. Since the Wheel Barrow did not own the property, it was ordered to roll a die and pay the utility owner a total of ten times the amount thrown.
6:44 PM: An Iron was stopped along Marvin Gardens on suspicion of breaking out of jail. However, a review of the Iron’s previous position on the board revealed that the Iron was actually “Just Visiting,” and was not, in fact, an inmate.
7:03 PM: Police are still searching for the apparent serial killer that has already murdered a number of wealthy property owners in the city. Anyone seeing an elderly, well-dressed man wearing a top hat and wielding a cane is urged to contact authorities immediately.
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