ESPN’s Pre-Date Report

Ohhh, doctor – what a doozy of a date we have lined up for you today! Last week, Jason Winchester defied all odds by leaving a mutual friend’s party victorious with the phone digits necessary to effectively push him through to a one-on-one date with Amanda Barnes.

Welcome to the Big Show, Jason! Amanda is smoking hot – Division I material all the way! Will the Cinderella story of this underdog accountant end with a glass slipper, or will Jason continue his loser streak and come up with a big, fat goose egg? Only time will tell.

The date kicks off at the Olive Garden tonight at 7:05 pm sharp. This gives Jason home court advantage, as his cousin owns the restaurant and is rumored to have pulled some strings to get Jason the “best table in the house.”

Clearly, this is a big day for Jason. Well into his 30s, this may be one of his last chances to pull in a W of such importance before he retires to a life of bachelorhood.

But with Jason’s receding hairline and poor history of making small talk, will he have the necessary charm to effectively bring home the symbolic big smooch come the car ride home? Let’s kick it over to the Boneyard for some analysis:

Buck: No way Jason’s coming home with the W tonight. Compare the stats – she likes reality TV, he watches PBS. She buys designer clothes, he buys in bulk. This is going to be a blowout, and that’s a Buck Bellicek promise.

Jim: Don’t count this underdog out just yet. You can’t deny Jason’s adorable, nebbish charm. Hugh Grant, eat your heart out. Plus, that near six-figure salary he’s been pulling in the past few years has got to work in his favor.

Clay: She’ll be leaving with the bus boy before the tortellini hits the table.

Well, it seems that Jason fans are in the minority here in the studio, but such is not the case at Jason’s office. The other accountants in Jason’s department have been very vocal about their support for their favorite number cruncher. No doubt, they’ll be glued to Jason’s Twitter account all night, which he has promised to update as much as possible during the date. This moral support can only work in Jason’s favor.

ESPN has received an exclusive interview from Jason’s long-time friend and dating coach, Jeff Van Gundy. Jeff reports a marked improvement in Jason’s confidence and dating fundamentals over the past few months. Apparently, a cooking class has done much to boost his comfort level around women.

According to Jeff, Jason has been instructed to take a zone defense when it comes to discussing his previous marriage. He will also play it conservatively by skipping any messy, long-noodled dishes for a much easier-to-eat entrée, such as the Lasagna Classico.

ESPN will return after these messages with in-depth analysis of statistics related to Jason’s previous sexual experiences. Then, stick with us for our tableside play-by-play commentary as the entire evening unfolds in front of us. Coming back at ya – boom shacka-lacka!!


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