Jeff Wysaski
I will not go into detail in this document, but I have uncovered sensitive information about your current mission that needs to be discussed immediately. It is essential that we meet in person so that I can hand over the microfilm and relay my undercover findings. As such, please meet me under the bunny tree tonight at 19:00 hours.
If you are unfamiliar with the bunny tree, it is the tree in the park with all the bunnies underneath it. They come out at night to feed on the flowers that sprout below the tree. I have chosen this spot because it is a safe, open and identifiable place for us to make our exchange without arising suspicion or fear of wiretaps. Additionally, the bunnies are really cute and enjoyable to look at.
Please take measures to ensure you are not followed to our meeting. We have reason to believe that the Russians have been tipped off to your involvement, and may be currently watching your movements. Arriving without being tailed is important not only because the presence of our adversaries may compromise the exchange, but also because they may scare away all the bunnies (and no one wants that).
Since we have never met before, you will need to know how to identify me. I will be the man in the gray suit rolling around on the ground and playing with all the bunnies.
When you arrive, please make your presence known by approaching me and asking for a cigarette. I will then reply by saying, “Bunnies! Look at all the bunnies! I want to pet all the bunnies!”
I will then stifle my exuberance and stand so that we may discreetly make the exchange. So as not to arise suspicion, I will hide the microfilm within the fluffy fur of an especially cute bunny. I will hand this bunny to you and you will silently palm the microfilm as you pet its soft, snow-white fur.
Once you have pocketed the microfilm, you will likely feel compelled to continue petting the bunny. I encourage you do so (its fur will be really, really soft).
Following the exchange, I will relay the pertinent names and dates that I have identified for the next phase of our mission. I will also reveal the name of your contact in Helsinki. To minimize the potential of being recorded by long-distance listening devices, we shall constantly move around the tree by getting down on all fours and chasing after the little bunnies as they hop to and fro.
While our main priority will be to effectively transfer all relevant details of the next phase in our agenda, our secondary goal should be to try and catch the puffy little cottontails of as many of our adorable accomplices as possible.
Once I have relayed all information, you are to stand and calmly leave through the west entrance of the park. To minimize suspicion, I will continue petting and playing with the bunnies for at least another 30 minutes.
Agent 1014, please arrive at 19:00 sharp. The future of our nation depends on it. Also, the future of the bunnies.
Please destroy this message after reading.
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: