Jeff Wysaski
If you’re a hippie, a hipster or some other cool thing that starts with “hip” (hippogriff), then I’ll wager dollars to dolmas that you’re interested in becoming a vegetarian. Why? Because more than likely, the majority of the friends at your drum circle, mustache club or mythical creatures potluck are already adhering to this super cool type of diet (and you want to be cool, right?).
However while there are plenty of advantages to being vegetarian, there is also one major downside – you can’t eat meat. And let’s face it, meat tastes pretty good. As such, if you want all the perks that come with being a vegetarian (inflated feelings of superiority, acceptance from the “cool kids,” etc.) without giving up all that delicious bacon, then you’re going to have to invest in a little tomfoolery. For your benefit, keep these simple tips in mind to trick people into thinking you’re a vegetarian:
Tell Everyone You’re a Vegetarian (All the Time)
Vegetarians love telling other people that they are vegetarians. It makes them feel self-important and better than all the barbaric carnivores around them. As such, you should follow suit by telling everyone all the time that you are a vegetarian. Good ways of seamlessly bringing up the topic during conversation include:
- Hanging out in restaurants
- Constantly asking people what they ate for lunch
- Dressing up like a carrot
- Introducing yourself by saying, “Hi my name is vegetarian. Wait no, that’s the name of my plant-based diet. My name is…”
Look Sickly and Pale
While chickpeas, soy burgers and fennel seeds are incredibly delicious, they don’t offer much in the way of protein. Due to this fact, vegetarians tend to look a lot like the undead. To fit in, that means you’ll have to look just as sickly and pale as they do. To accomplish this, you’ll have to find an alternative way to be just as malnutritioned as your morally convicted counterparts. There are two ways to accomplish this – bulimia and tapeworm.
Be Discrete With Your Meat
No charlatan salad-eater wants to get caught scarfing down a big plate of meatloaf or pickled pig’s feet. As such, you’ll need to be careful about getting all that delicious and nutritious meat into your body. For best results, eat most of your meals alone at home. When eating out with your fellow vegetarians, you might consider hiding some “emergency meat” in your pockets so you can sprinkle it into your black bean taco when no one is looking.
If any of your pals do happen to catch you eating a burger or something, then simply lie and tell them it’s made of soy. If that doesn’t work, then you’ll have to resort to plan B – overpowering their slightly frames and locking them away in your basement so they can’t get out and tell everyone your deep, dark secret.
Or, if you want to go ahead and just kill them and cook them into a savory “vegetarian” stew, then you can do that too.
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