Jeff Wysaski
Unicorns are the high school quarterbacks of the enchanted forest – they’re good-looking, popular and everyone wants to be friends with them (also, they have a nice, muscular ass). However, unless you’re a varsity football player (i.e. another unicorn) or a cheerleader (i.e. rainbow), chances are you won’t be sitting at the “cool table” in the enchanted forest anytime soon.
However, if 80s teen movies have taught us anything, it’s that even the nerdiest of kids can become friends with cool mythical creatures – as long as the nerd employs a plan just kooky and hair-brained enough to work. Keep these tips in mind to make friends with a unicorn:
Make Friends With a Virgin
Yeah, I know, virgins are totally unpopular and not cool. However, if you want to move up the social ladder, you’re going to have to go down a few rungs first to make friends with a Goody Two Shoes. Why? Because legend has it unicorns can only be lured out of their unchaperoned A-list parties (with alcohol) by a maiden that is “pure of heart.” As such, it is recommended you befriend a virgin and take her out into the forest to do something lame like math homework.
Then, when the unicorn shows up, show that stud how much cooler you are then your virgin “friend” by reciting some facts about rainbows or complimenting the unicorn on how awesome his horn is.
Build an Ark
As a human, it may be hard to find common ground with an enchanted mythical creature. To change this, consider building an ark. Once you’ve loaded up a bunch of animals onto it, get off the boat and set it adrift. Then, when the unicorn shows up fashionably late, look up into his big, magical eyes and say, “Looks like we missed the boat.” Since the unicorn and you now share a similar feeling of loss, you two will instantly bond. Before you know it, you’ll be riding on his back and eating cotton candy together under the big cotton candy tree in the middle of the forest in no time.
Dress Up Like a Unicorn
Remember that movie, Just One of the Guys? Yeah, well if you want to infiltrate the inner circle of the unicorn kingdom, then dressing up like a unicorn is a great way to do it. Throw on a horn and a bunch of fur, then head into the woods on all fours. Thinking you’re just one of the unicorns, you’ll have time to gain their trust and show them how cool you are. Then, when you’re sick of the charade, expose your pasty, hairless chest to the unicorns to reveal your true identity. If you’re lucky, they’ll be able to see past your past few weeks of betrayal to realize you’re a really awesome and funny person.
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