Jeff Wysaski
Whether you’re a proud, American-born citizen or just another terrorist trying to fit in, showing some American pride every once in a while is a great way to display your love for these fifty nifty United States. Let everyone know where your loyalty lies and have fun while doing it by following these simple steps for showing your American pride:
Wear Red, White and Blue
There’s no better (or tasteful) way to show your love for the American way of life than by wrapping the old stars and stripes around your naked body. Of course, you could just choose to go with a flag shirt with a picture of a flag on it, but if you really want to show your love for America then you’re going to have to do better than that.
For better results, turn yourself into a human flagpole by pairing a red-and-white striped smock with a star-spangled cape. Then, stand out on your front lawn, in front of a Jumbo Tron or on the top of a real flagpole and yell to everyone, “I’m a flag! I’m a flag! Hey, everyone look, I’m a flag!” That way, everyone will notice how patriotic you are (and be totally jealous).
Set Off Fireworks (All the Time)
Blowing up the night’s sky is an annual tradition for us United Statesians, but why should our love of this country be confined to just one day of the year? That’s why true patriots should set off fireworks everywhere, all the time (even inside).
Adopt a Bald Eagle
Only dudes who are diehard Americans would consider getting a bald eagle for a pet. If you’ve heard that bald eagles make terrible pets and are likely to injure you with their sharp beaks and vicious talons, then you’ve heard right! Sure, all those wounds and gashes may smart for a little bit, but the scars that result are badges of pride that tell the world you love this country so much, you’re willing to put up with the wild predatory instincts of our nation’s most majestic of creatures.
Bonus: those injuries also let you take part in one of our nation’s most unique and amazing American freedoms – independent health care!
Make Fun of Other Countries
America is the best, right? Well, then that means every other country is stupid. As such, you should let all those other countries know how dumb they are by making fun of them. For best results, travel to these countries and do it to their faces. If you don’t have the time or money for that, then Internet chat forums work almost as well.
Regardless of where you do your taunting, all that bragging only serves to educate the world about how our way of life is better than everyone else’s. In this way, you can think of yourself as a democracy-spreader, because after enough taunting anyone will realize how great America is and want to move here.
Research American History
Learning about our country’s founding fathers is a great way to gain a deeper connection with America. Plus, you just get to learn plain cool facts and trivia. For instance, did you know that Thomas Jefferson owned 187 slaves and had sex with many of them? Or that Franklin Roosevelt married his second cousin? Or that George Washington grew and harvested marijuana? Yes, truly, these role models are the men that helped make America the great nation it is today! Cool, huh?
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