Jeff Wysaski
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had one grandfather. They called him Pop-Pop, and he lived in their basement. Everyone else in town called him Almanac.
An almanac is a dumb, out-dated book filled with facts and information, arranged randomly, on boring branches of knowledge such as weather patterns and farming. Pop-Pop’s head was like an Almanac. It was filled with useless facts he had learned from watching countless episodes of Jeopardy and staring out the window all day.
He was a complete almanac walking around in Velcro orthopedic shoes.
Almanac was always stopping people on the street to tell them one of his long-winded stories that went nowhere. Just last Sunday, in the prescription line at the drug store, he cornered Mrs. Connors, the butcher’s wife, and said, “Did you know that a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut?”
Mrs. Connors tried to flee, but Almanac blocked her path with his walker. He was always blocking people’s paths with his walker. He wanted to tell his stories, but was afraid that people might try and leave when they heard what he had to say (and he was right).
Almanac talked to his grandson more than anyone else. Mr. Brown, or Jimmy as Almanac called him, was the chief of police. In fact, Almanac talked so much, that Mr. Brown often worked late at the office just to avoid him. He also played golf. And sometimes, he’d just park his car somewhere and sit in silence for hours on end. He did that a lot.
But that didn’t mean Mr. Brown didn’t still love Almanac. In fact, Mr. Brown owed his Pop-Pop a lot. For nearly a whole year, no criminal had escaped arrest and no boy or girl had got away with breaking a single law in town.
This was partly because Mr. Brown spent so much time avoiding Almanac at work that he inevitably solved a lot of cases. But mostly it was because Almanac was his grandfather.
Mr. Brown’s hardest cases were solved by Almanac. Sometimes, he’d solve cases by using his library of useless knowledge to catch a criminal in a lie. But mostly, he just talked and talked at his grandson’s suspects until they got so bored that they finally confessed.
For really tough cases, Mr. Brown would bring Almanac his favorite food, yogurt, to eat while he interrogated the suspect. Almanac always took his dentures out when eating yogurt. As you might guess, criminals didn’t much like watching Almanac eat his yogurt.
You’ve reached the end of Tape One, Side One for this audio book. This book is continued nowhere. If you’d like to hear more about Almanac Brown: Elderly Detective, please let the author know in the comments section of this website.
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: