How to be a "Grizzled Old Coot"

One of the biggest perks of growing old is the ability to become a “grizzled old coot.” We’ve all seen curmudgeonly old men with their sourpuss frowns and “ah, hooey” attitudes and dreamt about a life untethered by social etiquettes and cordiality. If you’re interested in being a gruff old man with a tough outer shell and few friends, then keep these tips in mind to help yourself become a grizzled old coot:

Be Old

Unfortunately, there’s no fast track to becoming a coot. Simply put, if you don’t have the wrinkles and gray hair to back up your piss-poor attitude, then all you are is a regular, run-of-the-mill spoilsport (or possibly, a stick-in-the-mud). As such, you might as well wait until you get that AARP card in the mail before you attempt to be either grizzled or a coot.

Experience Hardship

While you’re waiting around to get old, you may as well prime the pump for crankiness by experiencing your fair share of hardship. Everyone knows the best grizzled old coots have a deep-seeded reason for being so cranky and down on life. For the old man in Pixar’s Up, this hardship was the death of his lifelong love and soul mate. As such, putting your one true love in harm’s way or clogging her arteries with fatty foods is a great way to ensure she goes long before you do.

Other ways to ensure a thick, callous outer shell once you hit old age include enlisting in a war, swallowing your feelings and having a gay son.

Complain About Kids These Days

Once you’re old enough to be considered a coot, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is and start complaining about kids these days. Luckily, there is no shortage of options out there when it comes to not understanding the youth of today. From their baggy pants and damned video games to those crude “Family Man” cartoons and that online “SpaceBook” thingy – there’s plenty of fodder for expressing your contempt for the youth of today.

Keep Baseballs and Frisbees That Fall in Your Yard

Once you’re old, neighborhood kids will constantly be losing baseballs, Frisbees and other toys in your yard. Since you’ll be old and alone, the occasional knock on your door from some punk wanting his ball back may be one of your few chances at human interaction. As such, don’t mess it up by being nice to him. If you want your reputation as a grizzled old coot to grow and spread, you’ll teach that kid a lesson about responsibility by not giving him back his stupid toy (and thus, the cycle of “grizzled old coots” can be passed on to the next generation).


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