How-To Guides

How to be a Bully

Are you tired of looking around your school and seeing a bunch of puny nerds running the show? Do you need a way to relieve all that pent-up rage that keeps building up inside you? Ever feel like those hands of yours were born to give Indian rug burns?

If you answered, “Yes” to any of these questions, then chances are you’re interested in becoming a bully. There are many advantages to being a bully, some of which include:

  • Finally getting the respect you deserve
  • Stress relief
  • Receiving negative attention from parents and teachers
  • Less homework
  • Extra lunch money
  • The ability to administer purple nurples

To enjoy these and other perks of bullying, simply follow these easy steps:

Have Crappy Parents

If you’re lucky, your parents are divorced drunks that are too busy going out at night and sleeping over at “Uncle” Steve‘s house to give you the proper discipline and attention you deserve. Thanks to the lack of structure and positive reinforcement provided by these dream parents, such an environment is ideal for nurturing the feelings of anger and abandonment that breed the best bullies.

Sadly, if you live in a loving home with good role models, then you’ve got your work cut out for you. However, you can improve your chances of being an effective bully by finding other ways to learn poor anger management skills. These ways include:

Be Intimidating

Bullies can’t do their jobs correctly if they don’t have the ability to intimidate their targets. Good ways of instilling fear in puny twerps include:

  • Being big for your age
  • Wearing sleeveless shirts that show off your “guns”
  • Punching walls and other things for no reason
  • Following through with threats of violence

Have a Passion for Beating Nerds

Being a bully isn’t easy. Rather, it is a tireless and thankless job that results in lost friendships and loneliness. As such, the best bullies do it because they are truly passionate about torturing dorks and dweebs. If your heart just isn’t the beatings, then chances are you won’t last as a bully for long.

To keep yourself motivated and interested in your work, be sure to find new and creative ways to pick on your fellow schoolmates. Consider networking with other bullies to learn innovative new ways to exert your dominance. Investing in props such as water balloons, slingshots and fart machines can also do much to keep you interested in your hobby.

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