Jeff Wysaski
Do you often laugh at the misfortunes of others? Do you sometimes feel the need to brag about how expensive your business suit is? Have you ever experienced a blackout while yelling at the “incompetent” wait staff at a fancy French restaurant?
If you answered, “Yes,” to any of these questions, then you may be an 80s movie asshole. While you may have told yourself that you don’t have a problem and can quit any time, the truth is that you may be suffering from asshole-ism.
Warning Signs of an 80s Movie Asshole
Some warning signs that may indicate you are an 80s movie asshole include:
- You often find yourself yelling, “Do you know who I am?”
- Your hair is slicked back
- Your hair has blond highlights
- You have a God complex
- You wear a double-breasted suit with shoulder pads
- You have a car phone
- You have a phone by your toilet
- Your hobbies include making fun of nerds and cheating at everything
Admitting You Have a Problem
If you believe you may be an 80s movie asshole, then the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. However, it is not uncommon for an asshole like you to believe that someone of your status, intelligence and wealth is absolutely perfect and doesn’t need changing.
As such, it is recommended you begin your road to recovery by “getting a taste of your own medicine.” For best results, get beaten by a nerd in a sports competition or have your girlfriend leave you for her best guy friend (you know, the one that actually deserves her and treats her right).
Then, after you’re done shaking your fist in anger and cursing that nerd’s name as you sit drenched in water or humiliated in a pile of manure, the healing can begin.
Seeking Help
Once you have reached “rock bottom,” you will likely be ready to make a devoted commitment towards change. For help, consider enrolling in a douche abuse facility or visiting a local AA (Assholes Anonymous) meeting. Here, you will find other 80s movie assholes that have stood in your $300 leather dress shoes at one point or another. This sense of community can help you realize that you are not alone.
While the road to recovery is not easy, it is possible to break your addiction to asshole-ism. If you want friends, happiness and a life that doesn’t end in an anger-induced heart attack, then please, pick up the phone and find help now.