Jeff Wysaski
Sonny: Hello, I’m Sonny and I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. (All: Hi Sonny)
Lucky the Leprechaun: I lost everything – sold my entire pot ‘o gold for one measly bag 
of pink hearts, yellow moons and blue diamonds.
Hamburglar: They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can start the road to recovery. For all of you out there, I hope your rock bottom wasn’t nearly as low as mine. Because looking up into the mirror after an all-night binge to see yourself covered in ketchup and eating the decapitated head of Mayor McCheese is something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.
Coppertone Girl: Before I found help, I was tanning three, four times a day.
Trix Rabbit: It took a long time for me to realize that all those darn kids weren’t just trying to bogart my stash, they were trying to help me.
The Noid: I look back on that time, and just think to myself, “God, what an asshole I was.” No wonder nobody liked me.
Energizer Bunny: I was so pumped full of juice – going a million miles a minute – that it wasn’t until I was halfway down the block that I realized I’d hopped the curb and plowed right through that poor little kid.
Buster Brown: It’s been a long, difficult road, but I’m proud to say it’s now been three years, 2 months and 14 days since I last wore a pair of loafers.
ICEE Polar Bear: I never even stopped to think about the long-term consequences. The doctor says I’m stuck with this brain freeze for the rest of my life.
Crackle: I lost everybody I loved to the Krispies. Snap got popped by a dealer and Pop got snapped in a police sting down at Albertson’s.
Punchy: It took four assault charges, one case of manslaughter and three years in prison before I realized that the sugar rush I got from Hawaiian Punch just wasn’t worth it.
Poppin Fresh: I was so desperate for carbs, I started eating myself.
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