A Spoiled Brat’s Guide to Respecting Your Elders

It’s important to respect your elders. Otherwise, they may cut you out of the will. Which means – unless you want your hardly earned money to be selfishly frittered away on one of your grandfather’s stupid charities (cancer research) – you’ve got to put in a little effort to show that old man just how much you “care” about him. Follow these tips to learn how to respect your elders and secure an adult life filled with trust funds and freeloading:


Listen to Their Long, Boring Stories

For some reason, old people seem to think that the youth of today can benefit from hearing about the mistakes and life experiences of those who came before them (yeah, right). Sadly, what that outdated old man fails to realize is that history rarely, if ever, repeats itself. This, of course, means that stories about stock market crashes and oil shortages are incredibly pointless. Still, if you want that inheritance bad enough, you’ll buck up and sit through the occasional long, boring story.

Tips for getting through these long-winded conversations include:

  • Playing with your iPhone under the table
  • Picturing your grandpa’s head as one big, giant dollar sign
  • Being drunk

Send Them a Birthday Card

This is a simple gesture that goes a long way. Even if you live far away from your elderly relative (God willing), sending a nice card in the mail for his birthday insinuates that you think enough about him to keep him in your thoughts. If you’re too busy doing recreational drugs or lounging by the outdoor heated pool to find time to buy a card, consider paying someone else to do it for you. For best results, this person should also be able to:

  • Forge your handwriting
  • Keep track of his address
  • Remember his birthday

Invite Them Places

Inviting your elderly relatives to do things with you is probably the most effective way to show your respect for them. While this is the most time-consuming option, and likely means you’ll miss out on the occasional jet-ski excursion with your friends, the end results can be well worth the investment. Good places to take your rich elderly relative for some quality one-on-one time include:

  • The movies (to avoid talking)
  • The BMW dealership (to get a new BMW)
  • The lawyer’s office (to work on the will)

(image source)


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