Jeff Wysaski
Is your plan for world domination about to come to fruition? If so, then you can probably expect an unannounced visit from James Bond any day now. With this knowledge in mind, you’ve probably been shuffling around your private island or gigantic satellite dish making sure all the laundry has been put away, the dishes have been washed and that giant sculpture of a crocodile’s skull is arranged “just so.”
However, beyond having a clean house, there are several other things you’ll want to do as a Bond villain to impress that infernal 007 upon his arrival. Before cutting him in two with a powerful laser, earn his respect and ensure a smooth visit with these simple tips:
Lineup All Your Minions in a Row
When Bond arrives, chances are he’s going to be in a fighting mood. To ensure a proper and fair battle, be sure to line up all your minions in a row beforehand. That way, Bond can grapple with each faceless minion one at a time while the rest of the henchmen stand by and quietly wait their turns. This is the type of fighting that Bond has come to expect, and making the effort to ensure he is comfortable in your lair will do much to raise his respect for you as a worthwhile adversary.
Practice Divulging Your Evil Plot
At some point during his visit, you’ll have that handsome good-doer right where you want him – tied up and hovering over a giant vat of acid. At this point, Bond will be facing certain death, which makes it the perfect time to divulge your entire evil plot for world domination. Doing so will help prove to Bond just how intelligent and clever you really are, allowing him to quietly admire and abhor you at the same time.
To ensure you don’t stutter or trip over your words, make sure to practice your speech ahead of time. This will allow for a simple and straightforward synopsis that is easy to understand, even to someone who is just coming out of a drug-induced nap. Resources that can help you get your speech across include:
- A headset microphone
- Pointing rod for addressing at charts
- Printed copies of your speech’s outline
- Powerpoint slides (with animated GIFs)
Sit in a Rotating Chair With the Back to the Entrance
Making a good first impression is always important. As a Bond villain, the best way to accomplish this is to sit in a rotating chair with the chair’s back to the room’s entrance. Then, when you sense that Bond has entered, wheel the chair around and say, “Mr Bond, I’ve been expecting you” (note: if you can’t “sense” his entrance, then just wheel the chair around every few seconds and recite your phrase. He’ll show up eventually).
Ways to enhance this “big reveal” include:
- Petting a cat
- Wearing a monocle
- Holding a gun (preferably made of gold)
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: