Jeff Wysaski
Are you a cop, goody-two-shoes or dean of a university? If so, then you may be interested in learning how to properly harsh someone’s mellow. Harshing someone’s mellow – defined as “ruining an individual’s enjoyment of recreational drugs” – is a skill that can be used to great benefit in a number of situations. Reasons you might want to buzzkill some dude’s mellow include:
- He Bogarted your stash
- He was only supposed to crash on your couch for two nights
- He’s your science project partner and you want him to do his share of work
- You’re a stick in the mud
- He’s started a hippie commune in your backyard
Regardless of motivation, harshing someone’s mellow is a sure way to ruin a druggie’s good time. Follow these simple steps to quickly become an accomplished mellow harsher:
Talk About “Responsibility”
If there’s one thing drug enthusiasts hate, it’s responsibility. In fact, that’s part of the reason these fellows get mellow in the first place – they want to forget all their troubles. As such, going out of your way to bring up topics of responsibility can do much to help you succeed in your quest to be “Captain Bring-Down.” Good topics of discussion related to responsibility include:
- Chores that need to be done
- Deadlines for homework or office work
- Government laws associated with wearing clothes in public
- Checking on that crying baby in the other room
Eat All the Nachos
As the old saying goes, “where there’s drugs, there’s nachos.” In fact, if you’ve happened upon a mellow dude, then it’s pretty much guaranteed that nachos are in the vicinity. To effectively harsh that mellow, it is recommended you locate, and subsequently eat all these nachos. If you are having trouble locating the nachos, then be advised that the sneaky slacker may have accidentally misplaced them under a nearby flannel shirt or couch cushion.
Be “A Square”
When someone has “a mellow,” they usually want to talk about “hip” topics like video games, old kung fu movies and how good food tastes. To break the individual from this comfort zone, it is recommended you “be a square” and discuss boring or unpopular topics such as:
- American history
- The pros and cons of abortion
- Drug-related death statistics
- Why the original Star Wars movie was the worst movie ever
Hide the TV Remote
Unless there’s a marathon of Cops reruns on G4TV, then a hidden remote control is bound to bring someone down from his mellow. The effort of getting up and looking for the remote, combined with the fact that some lame show is now on the television, should be enough to annoy the high right out of him.
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