How to be Abducted by Aliens

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If you’re like most people, at one point or another you’ve stood naked in the middle of a forest clearing with your arms stretched towards the sky as you repeatedly shouted, “Take me with you!” If so, then you likely were trying to be abducted by aliens (that, or get the attention of that hot air balloon that just took off without you).

Unfortunately, such a ploy rarely work. Desperation, it would seem, it just as big of a turn-off with aliens as it is with the opposite sex. As such, if you’re interested in being abducted by aliens, keep these more subtle tips in mind:

Go Camping

If you want to find aliens, it makes sense to go where the aliens like to hang out. Looking at decades of statistics, history tells us that aliens love going camping (or at least love campers). As such grab your bug spray, put on some cut-off shorts and pitch a tent in the nearest wooded forest from your house. If you don’t like camping, then other ways you might increase your chances of encountering an alien include:

  • Hanging out in the middle of a corn field
  • Boarding an abandoned spacecraft
  • Baiting your garage with Reese’s Pieces
  • Attempting to pry the “face” off your neighbor to reveal the hidden alien within

Stop Taking Your Meds

Studies show that people who go off their prescription medications are far more likely to be abducted by aliens. While the leading minds in the field of pseudo-science have yet to discover why aliens prefer individuals who are unmedicated, the most popular hypothesis is that drugs mess up blood and tissue samples taken by the aliens via anal probing.

Dress to Impress

There are billions of humans on this planet for aliens to choose from. As such, taking steps to help yourself stand out from the pack can do much to catch an extraterrestrial’s almond-shaped eye. For example, it has been shown that wearing shiny materials (such as a tinfoil hat) can help increase your visibility from a spaceship (plus, it heightens your brain transmissions so the alien can read your thoughts for proper eco-location).

Learn a Circus Trick

It is common knowledge that most humans are abducted by aliens to be used in intergalactic circus acts or zoo attractions. Either way, taking the time to learn a neat circus trick can do much to increase your appeal among aliens. A few suggested tricks you might consider doing in your backyard at night include:

  • Balancing on a giant beach ball
  • Putting your head in the mouth of different animals
  • Doing back flips
  • Getting hit in the face with a pie


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