Jeff Wysaski
Cats’ strategy
General Whiskers: Cats, today is the day we fight back. If you’re sick of living in fear and getting a frizzy tail every time you encounter a dog, then today’s the day we stand tall! We’re more intelligent, we’re quicker, and gosh darn it we’re way cuter than those mangy dogs will ever be! We’re going to run those dogs out of our homes and back into the wild, and this is how we’re going to do it:
- Corporal Mittens, you will lead Squadron Fishbone in the task of drawing the enemy to the ambush point. For this purpose, you have been outfitted with leashes and a tape recording of a human voice saying, “Want to go out!? Want to go out!?” This weaponry will easily allow you to draw the dogs into the neighborhood park.
- Upon arrival in the park, Squadron Fishbone is to join the rest of the troops in the trees to maximize our aerial advantage.
- Once the dogs arrive, Squadron Milk Bowl will let fly the squeaky toys, effectively splitting the advancing forces into several factions.
- Once divided, Team Special Forces Sunspot will deploy the dog whistles, thereby further weakening the enemy’s defenses.
- At first sound of whistle, the infantry is to rush from the trees and begin attacking the enemy with a barrage of claw scratches and cat kicks.
- With the continued aerial support of the dog whistles, in addition to recordings of loud claps of thunder, we will effectively run the dogs off into the wilderness for good.
- Unfurl the “Cats Rule, Dogs Drool” victory banner and celebrate with a big bowl of Fancy Feast.
Dogs’ Strategy
General Scraps: Canines, those infernal felines have hounded us for too long. They’re lazy, full of hairballs and can’t even learn how to do a decent trick. Today’s the day we do our masters a favor and run these vile animals out of town for good. And here’s how we’re going to do it:
- Our undercover agent, Private Wags, has discovered that the cats intend to draw us into the neighborhood park where they will have an aerial advantage. To counter this, we have planted landmines of catnip at the base of all trees within the battle zone.
- Thanks to the explosive allure of the catnip, much of the feline forces will be diverted to the ground. From here, Squadron Belly Rub will use the sub-automatic laser pointers to draw the bulk of the forces to the lakefront.
- Here, our marine division of water dogs will have the advantage, and easily back those cats into the water where they will feel angry and out of place.
- Once weakened, Squadron Slobber will fetch the paper bags. Seeking a good hiding spot, the cats will naturally run into these bags for refuge.
- Secured within the paper bags, we will surround the bags and bark loudly until the frightened enemy forces admit defeat by waving the white ball of yarn.
- As a provision of our victory, we will demand the cats return to the wilderness never to be seen in civilization again.
- Unfurl the “Dogs rule, cats drool” victory banner and celebrate with a big bowl of Beggin’ Strips.
Surprise Hamster Strategy!
General Fuzz Fuzz: Hamsters, birds, small reptiles – no longer will we be considered as “alternative” pets. The era of dogs and cats is over. It’s time to release ourselves from the prisons of our cages and take the whole house for our own! And here’s how we’re going to do it.
- Wait for the dogs and cats to start fighting each other.
- Deploy our stockpile of vacuum cleaners to scare them into the wilderness for good!
- Unfurl the “Dogs drool, cats drool” victory banner and celebrate with a big bowl of dried food pellets.
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: