Jeff Wysaski
If you’re not on Twitter, you need to read these jokes. If you are on Twitter, you need to read these jokes AND FOLLOW these people…
https://twitter.com/TheDairylandDon/status/433705779657334784
"I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate
— wife supremacist (@thefurlinator) January 10, 2014
i tried to let my nephew smell my hand when he was a baby because i don't know a lot about babies but i do know a lot about dogs
— thrillbo (@thrillgar) August 22, 2014
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They're always like "Hey man we're over here you don't even know those people."
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) October 19, 2013
https://twitter.com/KeetPotato/status/365398734051344384
"But I can't conquer China, it's way too big…"
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
"I'm Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan't"
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) December 11, 2013
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) November 6, 2013
https://twitter.com/fanofhell/status/456539976428044289
I just left Best Buy and the idiot greeter said "Good Buy". He didn't even know the name of the place!! He must be new.
— Dick Chiclets (@DrGhostbaby) August 16, 2013
https://twitter.com/KelgoreTrout/status/463418592579833856
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you'll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) September 4, 2014
https://twitter.com/CoolHegel/status/485916647518388224
Actually, this IS my 1st rodeo. So do I just pet that giant dog with the horns or what?
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) March 31, 2014
https://twitter.com/FlyoverJoel/status/319433969236066304
https://twitter.com/ASpiker/status/338746897734967296
https://twitter.com/smedlee/status/438774313131724800