Jeff Wysaski
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/532040011127193600
https://twitter.com/fro_vo/status/411671258695098368
*takes judge’s mallet*
*bangs it twice*
“I declare myself innocent“
Judge: Son of a
“And get me pizza”
*bailiff looks over*
Judge: *nods*— noog (@noog) September 12, 2014
https://twitter.com/KelgoreTrout/status/460867091089096705
https://twitter.com/hurlarious/status/520661270626705408
I'm so hungry I could eat like half a bowl of dressingless salad
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) November 13, 2014
In a disturbing national trend, dogs are becoming less concerned with who's a good boy.
— Beau Hartenstine (@madcaplaughs30) July 3, 2014
https://twitter.com/KevinFarzad/status/536696712975245312
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 18, 2014
Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) November 13, 2014
After the divorce, Bob The Builder realized he couldn't fix everything
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) February 21, 2014
[Walks into kitchen]
Hey, honey, do you know where I left my updog?
"I want a divorce"
Not much, what's up with you?— Tim (@Playing_Dad) October 27, 2014
https://twitter.com/Turbo_Jimmy/status/493686464795115520
https://twitter.com/Laser_Cat/status/524589790352519168
Pro Tip:
-Order a pizza from 3 separate places
-Have them delivered at the same time
-Put on tuxedo
-Hold a rose ceremony at your front door— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) August 17, 2014