Here are some more finely crafted jokes from the folks over on Twitter…
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 21, 2014
[True Love's gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
— McSweatervest (@McSwtrvst) December 6, 2014
He's a detective that breaks all the rules. She's an officer consumed with revenge. Together, they're….fired. They're awful cops.
— @rowdybowden (@RowdyBowden) June 18, 2014
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame & place it on the mantel at the party.
— karate horse (@Karate_Horse) November 24, 2014
Are women funny? Who knows. Do women exist? Who can say. Who is buying all these hair ties? Maybe men with buns. No-one can tell.
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) May 14, 2014
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
— The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) November 27, 2014
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what's upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 22, 2014
A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is "I keep poop in there" but don't forget to wink or it won't work
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) October 8, 2013
[taking tour of hell]
devil: careful, the floor is lava
me: technically it's magma. you see lava is–
devil: yep no surprise u ended up here
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) October 14, 2014
The most rewarding thing about watching a documentary is acting like the world's leading expert on the topic for the rest of your life.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) November 14, 2014
The photo holder in my wallet is full of all the money I've saved from not having kids.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) August 5, 2014
It would be a bummer if your psychic friend gave you a prosthetic hand for Christmas.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) November 30, 2014
Sometimes I think I'm cool and then I remember I was one of those roller backpack kids
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) December 19, 2014
The money is a nice bonus, but the real joy in robbing banks is watching the tellers move quickly for once.
— John O'Connor (@johntoconnor) April 21, 2014
YOU'VE COMPLETED LIFE!
YOU PLAYED AS: white male
A) PLAY TUTORIAL AGAIN
B) TRY A HARDER SETTING
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) October 29, 2014