Jeff Wysaski
These Twitter users deserve your attention…
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is gonna be one hell of a week.
— Jersey (@SatansTongue) December 24, 2014
https://twitter.com/boring_as_heck/status/397425767669198848
My wife and I are both feminists. But as a man, I’m a tiny bit better at it.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) November 6, 2014
I pretend that anyone on Facebook "starting a new adventure" got an ancient blade from a wizard and isn't just moving to Iowa for work
— when I say long leg you say bear (@marieberd) June 5, 2014
*Sir Mix-a-Lot shakes magic 8-ball in store*
Do I like big butts?
NO
*hands it back to clerk*
This one's defective— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) December 29, 2014
You become the CEO of Capri Sun by driving the fabled straw 'Excalibur' through a stone juice pouch
— Unoriginal Tweeter (@LostCatDog) November 12, 2014
People are like snowflakes. I get nervous when I'm driving over them.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) December 22, 2014
*Dinner with 5 people from history*
FDR: "Wait, do we die again when this is over?"
Grandfather: "I don't want to die."
Jesus: "HELP US!"— Spencer Porter (@porters) April 23, 2014
By a show of jazz hands, how many of you are fabulous?
— Abby "I too would prefer 0 Nazis, thanks" Yep (@abbycohenwl) October 22, 2014
Saw a bad accident from my hot air balloon so I tried landing to help but just ended up killing everyone even worse
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) February 9, 2014
One time I thought I saw Taylor Swift, but it was just an ironing board covered in spaghetti.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) December 28, 2014
https://twitter.com/jaggings/status/453175953704099840
[hospital]
"We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach."
"Is that bahahaad?"
"Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."— kyle raney (@Kyle_Raney) September 5, 2014
I <3 on Family Feud when some1 messes up horribly but their fam loudly cheers "GOOD ANSWER." I need a crew like that to follow me everywhere
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) January 4, 2015
*shows off Chinese Character tattoo on arm*
It means 'updog'
"What's updog?"
*lifts other sleeve*
this one means 'not much what's up w you'— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) October 26, 2014