Jeff Wysaski
I’ve weeded through the thousands of worthless tweets and found these beautiful gems…
I cheated on my SAT by filling my pockets with thousands of Snapple caps
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) January 23, 2015
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) October 21, 2014
If I had a nickel for every time I've had an irrational fear, I'd be *looks nervously at the sky* PELTED TO DEATH BY SKY NICKELS?!
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) July 16, 2013
I have no sympathy for grooms who worry "this is the only vagina I'll have for the rest of my life." I live that nightmare every day.
— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) May 16, 2014
1st sneeze: Bless you.
2nd sneeze: Bless you…
3rd sneeze: Please get out of my life until you are finished with whatever this is.— Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 26, 2014
my dinner is similar to the UFC octagon in that it has 8 sides and a large sweaty man acting aggressively
— Had Diarrhea At Target (@mattytalks) January 25, 2015
Hey cell phone companies, I can't think of a more terrifying selling point than "Unlimited Talk."
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) January 22, 2015
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) January 12, 2015
Kids your mother and I are getting a divorce
*kids start crying*
No no a Ford Divorce, it's their new SUV
*kids start cheering*
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) January 19, 2015
If you have a crush on someone and don't know if they like you or not just push them off a cliff so you don't have to deal with it anymore
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) August 17, 2013
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
— Frasier Has Better Story Arcs Than The Wire (@VectorBelly) July 9, 2014
*cracks beer*
Hey it's the weekend
*cracks beer*
It's alright it's Sunday
*cracks beer*
My life is spiraling out of control— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) January 23, 2015
I want a coffee so dark and rich it's directed by Tim Burton.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) January 20, 2015
An unfortunate spelling error led me to hide an engagement ring for my girlfriend in the "desert." Goodbye forever, Susan.
— Jason, the Turkey Pardoner (@longwall26) January 12, 2015
ellar coltrane sounds like his parents tried to name him after ll cool j but their mouths were full of bread
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) January 18, 2015