Jeff Wysaski
Here are some of the best jokes from Twitter that I could find this week…
https://twitter.com/adamrensch/status/568991055649120256
All the stars in the sky are cars driving slowly by to watch the great accident that is earth.
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) February 20, 2015
[shows up late for date holding bag of water with goldfish in it]
"sorry, I couldn't find a sitter"— brent (@murrman5) February 13, 2015
If you don't have anything nice to say, sit next to me during the Oscars.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) February 22, 2015
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you're using a regular pen on your spare time?— andy (@crabgirl_) February 11, 2015
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/555049963340562432
If a guy says he's gonna treat you like a queen, make sure you ask which queen because motherfuckers loved beheading queens back in the day.
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) November 7, 2013
Third base should be letting them hold your phone.
— chelsea anét (@chelseaanet) December 21, 2014
https://twitter.com/daemonic3/status/553603797969149952
https://twitter.com/crylenol/status/568175948794880003
me: [quickly hopping into taxi] FOLLOW THAT CAR! AND STEP ON IT!
taxi driver: no yeah my day is going great thanks for asking— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) February 17, 2015
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
"Sir, here's your 17 big macs and a large milkshake."
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) February 18, 2015
"The Theory of Everything" is the most depressing "Revenge of the Nerds" sequel I've ever seen.
— albertina rizzo (@albz) February 22, 2015
Wow you have beautiful eyes I was worried you weren't going to have any
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) September 22, 2014
Pepsi: The Brand Waiters Have To Apologize For Carrying™
— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) February 10, 2015