Jeff Wysaski
I hope these jokes make your Monday a little bit better…
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 31, 2015
https://twitter.com/TribalSpaceCat/status/529347759661264896
[Teacher] Now we're going to learn about prime numbers
[Optimus Prime in the back row] Oh hell yeah— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 26, 2015
https://twitter.com/vineyille/status/567859655684288512
DATE: i thought you said we were going someplace private?
ME: *from inside my pillow fort* not even my cat is allowed in here— lil jon lovitz(?) (@liljonlovitz) March 7, 2015
https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/582923296376807424
Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 12, 2015
when someone tells me they want a family just so they don't die alone, i make sure to ask "hey why you want someone to watch you die so bad"
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) April 4, 2015
https://twitter.com/Jamie1947/status/586437837886623745
https://twitter.com/sad_tree/status/587290950621388800
Did u know if u fill a balloon with Axe and inhale it, you have a Jersey accent for 30 seconds and then forget math for the rest of ur life
— Ijustwantmykidsback (@TheVeryBestDad) January 29, 2015
INCREASINGLY DESPERATE GOOGLE SEARCH FOR "HOW MANY SHADOWS SHOULD I HAVE?"
— Daniel Manitou (@ActualPerson084) May 28, 2014
Liam Neeson: I have a very particular set of skills
Me: Do they include needlepoint
Liam Neeson: Yes they do
Me: Neat
Neeson: I have an Etsy— yoyoha (@yoyoha) January 10, 2015
Wasting my life is taking forever
— donni saphire (@donni) June 11, 2014
thomas edison: i have an idea
[a fucked up rough draft of the lightbulb appears above his head]— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 7, 2015