Jeff Wysaski
There’s nothing better than a finely crafted Twitter joke. Okay, there are plenty of things, but these are still pretty great…
https://twitter.com/Ristolable/status/573996908860997632
https://twitter.com/somelightcrying/status/572530142804889602
"Will he ever wake up?"
He's been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
— matt (@dogfather) April 19, 2015
https://twitter.com/KeetPotato/status/588295164940197888
MAN: What's in the bag?
ME: Groceries
MAN: So not magnets again?
ME: No
[a bus pulls up]
[my bag flies off & sticks to it]
ME: I can explain— Joe West (@joejwest) April 7, 2015
Daddy Bear -"Someones been sleeping in my bed."
Mummy Bear -"Wouldn't be the first time."
Daddy Bear -"It's been 3 years Sue, let it go."
— Fuzzy felt eyebrows (@TheRealNickKay) January 29, 2015
What idiot called them high heels instead of arch enemies
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 13, 2015
When you say it's selfish not to have kids, you're admitting it's better.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) April 18, 2015
https://twitter.com/ewfeez/status/567090328105017344
me: Yes of course
you: Do you think time-travel is actually possible— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) March 31, 2015
https://twitter.com/animaldrumss/status/587968058460925952
Me (at a bank I just robbed still wearing my mask): hi, I'd like to make a deposit
— luke [from online] (@internetluke) April 19, 2015
Many people only graduated high school physically.
— Mrs. Donald Darko (@LadyBroseph) April 7, 2015
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
— Vault 69 Boy (@aka_fatman) July 5, 2014