Jeff Wysaski
I know we haven't talked in awhile but I've been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
— oll (@dulcetry) April 22, 2015
[Dog Restaurant]
"Is the Book Report any good?"
Yes, Sir.
"How's it prepared?"
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
"Ooh, I'll have that."— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) April 15, 2015
https://twitter.com/jazmasta/status/585014368636641281
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang— pensive calypso music (@pharmasean) January 22, 2015
bumblebees don't sting you they just ignore you and in some ways that hurts a lot more
— Joe Luther (@joelu72) April 17, 2015
https://twitter.com/AlexRogaski/status/581120662091202560
https://twitter.com/JhonRules/status/591446732061298688
[on deathbed]
"Tell my Wif… *cough*"
Yes? Tell her what?
"Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best"
[dies]
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 5, 2015
I'm not saying this bro at the gym is on steroids but a drop of his sweat fell to the floor & grew into someone to spot him as he did squats
— Lyle Clippart (@Kyle_Lippert) April 25, 2015
WOMAN: Got the time?
ME: [holds up wrist]
WOMAN: Oh you don't wear a watch?
ME: Just wait
[a parrot lands on my wrist]
PARROT: It's 7pm— Joe West (@joejwest) March 30, 2015
Every one of Johnny Depp's scarves is from a magician he's killed.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) March 28, 2015
[first date]
“Uh, wtf is that”
Uh, it’s clearly a wheelbarrow full of condoms, which we won’t be needing if you don’t lose the attitude
— Brent Something (@brentcetera) April 10, 2015
https://twitter.com/Swishergirl24/status/365619844462297090
https://twitter.com/adamrensch/status/574930839881977857
https://twitter.com/Fred_Delicious/status/579052925340749827