Jeff Wysaski
Happy Monday! Here are some tweets…
MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I'LL SHOOT YOU
ME: *realize I won't have to pay student loans back if I'm dead*
MUGGER: ???
ME: I'm thinking.— Jade Van Kley (@BacklineNurse) February 24, 2015
♫ Hey now
You're a dog park
Get your run on
Fetch, plaaay
Hey now
Go ahead bark
Dig a big hole
Sit, staaay ♫
and I keep stepping in poop ♪— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) April 21, 2015
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/593121674171580416
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. "It's pronounced Jarfield" he says through tears
— demiurge moore (@online_shawn) December 10, 2014
Police: We'd like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband's disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
— Count Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) April 23, 2015
https://twitter.com/_mindflakes/status/576358360934719488
https://twitter.com/madeleinedoux/status/571407475511058432
https://twitter.com/rolldiggity/status/572489207429537793
[shipwreck diary]
Day 5: I haven't had sex in over 6 months— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 29, 2015
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing—
DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates— leon (@leyawn) April 8, 2015
https://twitter.com/bromanconsul/status/552252036025028608
the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the Top Gun volleyball scene
— slick (@dlicj) January 14, 2015
I don't want to be reincarnated just because of how high the chances are of being reborn into the Duggar family
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 1, 2015
a young Guy Fieri, waiting bravely for his first bus to Flavourtown, nervous, eager, ready
— village fetish (@botandy) April 5, 2015
https://twitter.com/abbycohenwl/status/513029361608323072