Mike
Don’t go another second of your life without reading these exemplary tweets.
Dads are like boomerangs, I hope.
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) August 17, 2012
Friend [noticing the "26.2" sticker on my car]: You've ran a marathon?
Me: No. That's the number of violent squirrel encounters I've had.— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) June 3, 2015
me: I have handcuffs in my bedroom
him: oooo what do u do with those 😉
me: I put alcohol near my dog then arrest him because he's underage— kiddo (@mrsjohngoodman) May 10, 2015
Wait come back, I didn't mean it when I was just being myself
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) June 4, 2015
I just made eye contact with a wolf, and in his eyes I saw a portrait of the cast of The Real World Seattle
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) June 2, 2015
https://twitter.com/MassageByTed/status/603354338338168832
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do may be used against you online by someone who has more free time than you.
— Scott Losse (@coolbathroom) April 23, 2015
Sometimes I like to dab the grease off of my face with a napkin and pretend I'm a slice of pizza
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) June 2, 2015
Comedians have a lot in common with gay men.
For example, we both hate bachelorette parties showing up in our clubs ruining our night.
— Nick Stadler (@Nickadoo) May 31, 2015
Twitter is the best way ever invented to tell jokes to thousands of people who don't like or understand jokes.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 30, 2012
Write what you know. No, not that.
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) November 16, 2013
Way to ruin the surprise, Spanish exclamation points.
— Steve “Please love me” Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) August 22, 2014
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) January 17, 2013
https://twitter.com/rorynotroy/status/355880014983593984
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
— Andreea Hluscu (@ayyhluscu) May 22, 2013