What’s that smell? Ah yes, it’s the delicious aroma of finely crafted tweets…
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
— Todd 'Papi Birthday' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 18, 2015
Me: Is this your first time speed-crying?
Him: You mean speed dating?
Me: (already crying)
— Abby "I too would prefer 0 Nazis, thanks" Yep (@abbycohenwl) August 1, 2015
Steve Harvey: OK the category is "Sounds We All Love"
Steve: Show me "Borp!"
*all 8 panels flip and they all say "Borp"*
— Adam Levine (@aclevine86) July 13, 2015
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
— batkaren (@batkaren) August 1, 2015
[Family eating dinner]
MOM: Are we forgetting vegetables?
SON: But I hate vegetables
[sobbing from other room]
VEGETABLES: I WISH I WAS DEAD
— wylde de beest (@flashember) June 18, 2015
[running away from lions really fast]
Dad I dont think I can make it
"Now son what do I always say?"
*sighs* We are antelopes not cantelopes
— dylan (@dyldonot) January 11, 2015
"Well this isn't what I expected at all."
-an Owl at Hooters
— classic huntigula (@huntigula) September 3, 2014
the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn't a bunch of dogs and gerbils
— kristen drum (@kristendrum) April 2, 2015
GF: "you're so childish"
me: "it's my day too linda"
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: "so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) July 31, 2015
Bud Light: are you up for whatever?
Me: hell yeah!!
Bud Light: ok drink this Bud Light
Me: …ok let's say I'm up for MOST things
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) July 29, 2015
[listening to the weather report nodding] Yeah, I get it. My lows were in the mid-nineties too.
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 30, 2015
you know if you run out of tissues you can cry directly into the toilet
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 30, 2015
Birds do it
Bees do it
fleas do it
Let's do it,
Let's lay some eggs
— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) August 1, 2015
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I'm army enough as it is
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 11, 2014
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