Mike
Treat yourself to a laugh amongst these outstanding tweets.
https://twitter.com/duplicitron/status/335861261118078977
https://twitter.com/BrandonEsWolf/status/626948804818923520
https://twitter.com/AliciaATobin/status/228145312110374912
Mother always said, "When the bread gets hairy it's time to feed it to the angel babies." She had no concept of mold or birds.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) August 21, 2015
https://twitter.com/ruinedpicnic/status/637482075638075392
If a tree falls in the forest, can't we all agree that it's being a *little* dramatic?
— hipstermermaid (@hipstermermaid) August 13, 2015
bailiff: do you promise to tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help you god
me: no
bailiff: [whispering to the judge] what do i do— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) August 17, 2015
By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. i haven't even shot a normal person
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 14, 2015
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they're the only person watching you
— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) August 4, 2015
https://twitter.com/vineyille/status/621352527355879424
[OR]
Scalpel.
"Scalpel."
Another scalpel.
"Another scalpel."
*turns toward nurse with scalpels in mouth*
I'M WALRUS DRACULA! BLAHH!— Ray (@SirEviscerate) August 19, 2015
Please stop arguing with me about my choice to be vegan. It takes a lot of energy, and I get winded easily.
— alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) August 27, 2015
https://twitter.com/bromanconsul/status/639531107516481537
[Job interview]
"Can you explain this gap in your résumé?"
Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."— ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) August 10, 2015
https://twitter.com/tnylgn/status/387350810176147456