Mike
Enjoy these jokes from some of the funniest people on twitter.
TURTLE: I think we should move in together
OTHER TURTLE: How
— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) September 15, 2015
You know you drank too much when you wake up between the fitted sheet and the mattress.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) September 19, 2015
https://twitter.com/ibid78/status/641012621710233600
My self esteem is so high that when I'm giving a speech I imagine myself nude instead of the audience
— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) September 9, 2015
https://twitter.com/WigCannon/status/643278552545103872
The futon is the saddest Transformer.
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) August 10, 2015
funeral slideshow of you checking your phone through the years
— retsoor (@retsoor) September 15, 2015
https://twitter.com/Leemanish/status/622260041773481985
Next time people complain about American students being lazy or dumb, remember when we arrested a kid for building a clock on his own.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) September 16, 2015
https://twitter.com/perlapell/status/641939328973733888
I think I speak for everyone when I say that Halloween has gotten too spooky. I can deal with a few bats, but skeletons? C'mon.
— Ryan Patricks (@Ryan_Patricks) September 20, 2015
https://twitter.com/living_marble/status/592836856934465537
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) September 20, 2013
Say what you will about Norman Bates, but he was an eligible young homeowner running the family business. You could do worse.
— ess bee fritz (@RandomAntics) September 14, 2015
Gather 'round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) May 1, 2015