This week’s tweet list is sure to cure your case of the Mondays.
it’s called being condescending maybe you’ve heard of it
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 15, 2014
If I opened a bar I'd name it Krow Bar because it's the opposite of work and sounds good.
— Lady Broseph, LPC (@ladybroseph) September 24, 2015
So weird how furniture stores call them 'bedside tables' instead of snack wrapper graveyards.
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) September 21, 2015
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) September 21, 2015
Hi, mom? Can you come pick me up from life
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) September 9, 2015
I hope one day I'm happy enough to hold my coffee with both hands
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) September 24, 2013
So, like, jellyfish are some kind of angry ocean barf that can bite you? No. I don't think so. Zero stars.
— Jason, the Turkey Pardoner (@longwall26) August 4, 2015
I love the smell of a new car. The taste? Not so much.
— Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) June 2, 2015
Cosplay is for nerds says the man who wears another man's sports jersey.
— Fahim Anwar (@fahimanwar) September 19, 2015
I hope whatever you're doing is creatively fulfilling, I hope you know I love you, and I hope snakes don't invent jet packs before we do.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) September 14, 2015
All I want is someone to rub my feet and like 500 other things.
— claudia turner (@cloudypianos) August 14, 2015
The hardest part about being black is deciding what stereotypes to live up to. And remembering not to step on my penis.
— Travon Free (@Travon) October 8, 2011
You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) September 18, 2015
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) September 23, 2015
When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 18, 2015