Mike
Put down the leftover Halloween candy and read these amazing tweets.
I turned the welcome mat around this morning and went outside for the first time in eight years.
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) October 3, 2014
Who else gets sad when you run out of things to wash in the shower because then you have to get out and face your problems
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) June 17, 2015
https://twitter.com/Kendragarden/status/647136751899676672
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 14, 2014
Now that there are no phone booths anymore Superman just changes in abandoned Blockbusters.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 25, 2015
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) October 15, 2015
How many deer have seen a ufo and just kept on walking
— demiurge moore (@online_shawn) October 21, 2015
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
— pensive calypso music (@pharmasean) May 10, 2014
https://twitter.com/HelloCullen/status/604764707233394688
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
— Jeremiah St Cyr (@MiahSaint) March 1, 2013
Everyone who owns a denim jacket still refers to sex as scoring.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) October 13, 2015
https://twitter.com/weismanjake/status/660206728147963904
https://twitter.com/julieklausner/status/655458346691112960
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) October 9, 2015
This generation will never know the joy of pushing a fully clothed person into a swimming pool without fear of damaging an overpriced phone.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) April 15, 2015