Mike
Another week, another list of excellent tweets. You’d think we’d eventually run out, but nope.
i'll go to bed soon, just gotta think every single thought real quick
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) June 26, 2014
Barbie didn't give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's been removed from the body.
— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) November 13, 2014
So, like, does B.C. Stand for "Before Cellphones"
— Megan Pettit (@meganshpettit) February 6, 2016
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) March 20, 2015
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) September 6, 2015
all of my texts end with an invisible "and if I never hear from you again, so be it."
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) February 7, 2016
be the boys you wish to see back in town
— ⚾lga (@runolgarun) February 4, 2016
i'm starting to think that this is the last season of America and the writers are just going nuts
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) February 13, 2016
Research has shown that men think about sex every 15 sex.
— Lyle Clip Art (@Kyle_Lippert) July 6, 2013
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
— jeremiah st cyr (@MiahSaint) March 1, 2013
[George Bush Sr. and George W talking about Area 51 during family dinners and making Jeb leave the room]
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) February 21, 2016
I've always aspired to be like James Bond, a man who owns a car and has had sex
— Pixelated “Pixelated Boat” Boat (@pixelatedboat) October 19, 2015
Took my niece to the duck pond for a relaxing morning of watching the group peck one to death, so I guess she's prepared for high school now
— Sarah (@thetigersez) February 8, 2016
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
— de-nice? is de-nice here? do u mean denise? muthaf (@Stellacopter) February 18, 2016
How sure are we that it's gravity and not my mom's backhanded compliments that are keeping me down to earth?
— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) February 5, 2016