I slaved over a hot laptop to make you this list so you better read every last joke.
If you see a guy with a ponytail running there's a 100% chance that he forgot to feed his snake.
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 26, 2015
I just want to meet a nice boy who has never considered being a DJ.
— Shelby (@smelbz) November 5, 2015
Is Lent over yet? I really miss boogie boarding.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) February 10, 2016
Well well well, if it isn't the person I was mad at for a reason I made up in my head who is actually very nice
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 29, 2016
All of my tattoos are different from each other, but part of an overall cohesive theme I like to call "I make bad decisions."
— Sarah (@thetigersez) June 16, 2015
I like my women like my Victorian houses: with a big haunted basement.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) February 27, 2016
it all began because bustin made me feel good. but now i'm bustin to feel normal. bustin to feel anything at all.
— ℒℯἶ (@leifromloihi) February 28, 2016
shoot for the moon, even if you miss your corpse will float through space for eternity
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) January 31, 2016
I currently hold the record in my town for the Rubik's Cube™. I ate the entire thing in less than 3 minutes.
— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) February 26, 2016
"We're out of options, I'll have to use the jetpack," I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
— Pixelated “Pixelated Boat” Boat (@pixelatedboat) November 15, 2015
Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50.” “Stop talking about soundgarden we don’t know what that is.”
— vineyille (@vineyille) October 24, 2015
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) December 11, 2015
What if those inflatable air guys aren't dancin what if they're writhing in pain? What if they're writhing in pain n we've just been watchin
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) April 4, 2014
[notices girl at work pouring honey in her tea]
ok keith, just be cool, say something normal
"did you know bees make that?"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) February 4, 2016
Me: 1AM. Been tired for 3 hours. Time to sleep.
Brain: Hey, nothing in your life is going right.
Me: Good point. Better sort this out first.
— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) December 20, 2014