Sink your eye teeth into this meaty list of tweets.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) April 7, 2015
I like to think these bears were supposed to meet for lunch but one got the wrong park pic.twitter.com/OV7GCloNBv— Turkey Jerky (@MarkAgee) September 27, 2015
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 24, 2013
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) January 21, 2016
"Length times width," says area expert.— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) March 10, 2014
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*— pat tobin (@tastefactory) February 28, 2014
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) March 9, 2016
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I'll die immediately if I don't do this
All dogs go to heaven. Seriously, every last one of them. So when you get to heaven you probably won't be able to find yours. It will be sad— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) June 25, 2013
Men get boners from cartoons and yet we allow them to make important decisions.— lady bird seph (@ladybroseph) April 9, 2014
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 10, 2013
Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I've just always had a passion for making people feel bad— 👩🏻🚀 (@lanyardigan) May 16, 2015
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 1, 2016
i am also free that day.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) March 10, 2016