I hope these 15 tweets make your Monday a Funday.
At the top of the Vatican you can get God to eat a Cheese Puff right from your hand.
— Jason Berlin (@JasonBerlin) July 2, 2013
please don't try to walk faster than me it's the only thing i have
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) July 26, 2014
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 27, 2016
What's going on at the tampon factory pic.twitter.com/680fbV9C7x
— Megan Pettit (@meganshpettit) September 9, 2014
Sometimes I'll cut the pants off my overalls and just wear a denim tank.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) March 9, 2016
*tries to act cool but calls it vaporing*
— lady broseph 🇺🇸 (@ladybroseph) June 6, 2015
two forks please, waiter. gonna go nuts on this
— sskylark (@sskylark) April 22, 2009
I'm trying to convince my coworker to go to lunch so I can eat the skittle under his desk pic.twitter.com/z8V3kVzuO2
— Very Scary Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 3, 2016
I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves. Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?
— Shocko, based on the novel Push by Sapphire (@shockproofbeats) November 16, 2012
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) August 13, 2012
Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
— Pound Stupid (@aka_fatman) October 4, 2015
[describing a chair] it's like a swing without all the drama
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) March 11, 2014
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— Cohen✨King of Ghosts Also Get Rid of the Nazis🙏🏻 (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013
Let's see, for my carry-on, I have this small suitcase, and of course, for my personal item, I have this enormous oil painting of my father
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) April 6, 2016
Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) March 19, 2016