Mike
Congratulations on making it through another week. Here is your reward:
*puts out arm*
*falcon lands on it, perfectly*
"I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
*mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) July 21, 2014
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/727003437804609536
I'm not sorry for anything I said when I was hungry. I meant every word.
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) May 5, 2016
I satisfy tons of women by leaving them alone.
— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) February 24, 2015
My favorite thing about making fun of Donald Trump is that it's still legal
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) May 4, 2016
Space exploration incorporates two of my favorite things 1.) Travel 2.) Avoiding responsibilities on earth.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) April 18, 2016
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) January 14, 2014
https://twitter.com/kashanacauley/status/642680291123855360
When someone asks how you're doing is it meant to be a rhetorical greeting or can you burst into tears?
— Svenn Amish (@amishschool) June 16, 2015
Just walked by the place I had brunch last weekend and one of my friends is still sitting there talking about herself
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) October 22, 2015
You know that little voice in your head that says "You're not good at anything”? That's you. So you ARE good. At hurtful ventriloquism.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) April 26, 2016
https://twitter.com/markleggett/status/718633621095985152
There’s a big difference btw knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is something you can glean by Googling. Wisdom comes from Googling for years.
— alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) November 13, 2014
swipe down on tinder to send people straight to hell
— village fetish (@botandy) May 1, 2016
https://twitter.com/elizabeth_fels/status/702327216697384960