Congratulations on making it through another week. Here is your reward:
*puts out arm*
*falcon lands on it, perfectly*
"I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
*mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 21, 2014
Bobby Flay's name is short for Robert Flavor
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) May 2, 2016
I'm not sorry for anything I said when I was hungry. I meant every word.
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) May 5, 2016
I satisfy tons of women by leaving them alone.
— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) February 24, 2015
My favorite thing about making fun of Donald Trump is that it's still legal
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) May 4, 2016
Space exploration incorporates two of my favorite things 1.) Travel 2.) Avoiding responsibilities on earth.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) April 18, 2016
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) January 14, 2014
I'll take "elegant metaphors for death" for $500, Alex. pic.twitter.com/S8g35oF8Uj
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) September 12, 2015
When someone asks how you're doing is it meant to be a rhetorical greeting or can you burst into tears?
— Svenn Amish (@amishschool) June 16, 2015
Just walked by the place I had brunch last weekend and one of my friends is still sitting there talking about herself
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) October 22, 2015
You know that little voice in your head that says "You're not good at anything”? That's you. So you ARE good. At hurtful ventriloquism.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) April 26, 2016
Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.
— Mark Leggett 🤷🏻♂️ (@markleggett) April 9, 2016
There’s a big difference btw knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is something you can glean by Googling. Wisdom comes from Googling for years.
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) November 13, 2014
swipe down on tinder to send people straight to hell
— village fetish (@botandy) May 1, 2016
Boyfriend: you really don't have to do that
Me: *getting a lower back tattoo of his Call of Duty kill/death ratio* I'm just proud of u babe
— Elizabeth🌹 (@elizabeth_fels) February 24, 2016