I didn’t catch any Pokémon but I did catch these 15 awesome tweets.
It says there's 140 calories per can of Coke but here's my secret: I never eat the can
— Jason, the Turkey Pardoner (@longwall26) July 14, 2016
There's a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L's
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) June 13, 2016
the only thing The Jetsons got wrong about the future is how the family loved their outdated robot & wouldn't trade her in for the new model
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) July 13, 2016
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special. pic.twitter.com/Tz6Tt6l4jn
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) June 30, 2016
Good things to say after sex
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) May 15, 2015
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That'd be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) July 30, 2014
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we're an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 1, 2014
JUDGE: your word is "cat"
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) July 14, 2016
Millennials are so easily offended. Like I went up to one and yelled NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE YOU and he cried? Millennials are aged 4-10 right
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) January 17, 2016
Why isn't a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) November 15, 2014
before mcdonald's i bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule
— mustardsgiving (@nice_mustard) July 18, 2012
*inhales helium from balloon*
“Your mom and I are getting a divorce..”
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) August 26, 2014
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
— My Name Is Doctor Happyknuckles And I Approved Thi (@drhappyknuckles) January 31, 2016
a proper response to girl calling "amy?" in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON'T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) October 4, 2013