15 Twitter Jokes Everyone Should Read
Plug your eyeballs into this list of electric tweets.
Lost my car keys so I'm forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
— chelsea anét (@chelseaanet) July 29, 2013
My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) October 15, 2013
When you shave for the first time in months. pic.twitter.com/FkhhFrqHw3
— Amanda (@Manda_like_wine) January 8, 2016
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I'm pretty sure I'm 98% living room.
— Spanky McDutcherson 🔸 (@thatdutchperson) August 17, 2015
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 27, 2015
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) June 13, 2015
If you don't want me to show up to your wedding in pajamas then you might want to rethink using the words "evening wear."
— elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) June 30, 2016
https://twitter.com/SirEviscerate/status/622750156987990017
https://twitter.com/vornietom/status/763967178253099008
https://twitter.com/SteveSuckington/status/679555294419005440
[Dog Restaurant]
"Is the Book Report any good?"
Yes, Sir.
"How's it prepared?"
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
"Ooh, I'll have that."— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) April 15, 2015
https://twitter.com/iamspacegirl/status/754505215324385280
https://twitter.com/sad_tree/status/501500433375178753
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don't w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
— Chad Kroeber (@ChadKroeber) August 17, 2015
[Pilot intercom]
Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."— ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) May 4, 2015